THE INBOXXX: "Da Call Out" - Heresy

DJ Multiple Sex Partners: Welcome back to THE INBOXXX. Me and Hump Jones gaze into the abyss and make it look easy. Since I'm incredibly sick of mocking nerd rap, I've taken over for the rest of the month. First up, we've got a video with a whole fucking deal behind it.


DJ MSP: Yup. All ladies rap supergroup of artists that...well, that I've never heard of. Although I feel like I'm supposed to know who Monie Love is.

Hump Jones: I know Dominique Larue, she's been putting in work for a long time.

DJ MSP: Bet she doesn't know you, though. "Carolina Dirty" is an interesting name for a rapper, I'm pretty high but I think that might be genius as fuck.

Hump Jones: Could be. It just evokes the bus station in Fayetteville, for me. Opening bars: "Never camouflaged the flow, but I'm military minded / so when it comes to war, Carolina's never blinded" -- and as expected, we're in some 90's rap purist basement party doing DITC tribute mixtapes, just like that.

DJ MSP: That mid-south pocket is all 9th Wonder territory, man. What else were they gonna do? Dominique Larue coming with a more interesting flow pattern here. Starting to notice that a lot of this footage isn't really in focus, which is probably only annoying to me.

Hump Jones: Damn, and all of a sudden someone is rapping more than two syllables! Props to MyVERSE for putting in some work on structure. She gets harder to understand in the second half -- I don't think the drugs could be kicking in this soon.

DJ MSP: If you tell me you can see the footage being out of focus, I'll tell you that she's getting hard to understand.

Hump Jones: Deal, bud. Also, Amen to "FUCK WORLD STAR." Mostly since they never post my videos.

DJ MSP: I feel like I must have seen Monie Love live before and just forgotten about it. Very familiar.

Hump Jones: Very dope, too, best performance here by far. It's probably not a coincidence that she's the most comfortable on camera and the most natural sounding, in terms of delivery. MyVERSE was very "Here is My Rapper Voice," you know?

DJ MSP: I know. Overall, a decent slice of mixtape filler. Good summer song, nothing special.

Hump Jones: My takeaway is "Always close with a Nina Simone quote."

DJ MSP: ...I don't know any Nina Simone quotes.


Can't Be Living in the Past, Yo

So yeah, we're back. That's obviously not a good thing, for anyone.

There have been good releases this year, lots of them. We're not going to cover very many of them here. That's not what this is about. This is about bearing witness to the carnal wreckage of celebrity culture. This is about documenting the End Times.

We're going to insult a lot of people this year, most of them shit-stupid genetic dead ends. That's inevitable in a country as great as America. All of us aspire; most of us are going to be losers. Such is Nature, motherfucker, and such is Life.

No amount of money could make Asher Roth successful. That kind of emergent group intelligence is what makes hip hop great, and make no mistake, brothers and sisters...hip hop is in better shape than ever in 2015. So please, join us in this orgy of Social Media Darwinism.

The inbox, as always, is YoHumpJones@gmail.com and any submission signifies your consent to be covered however we see fit. Know, in your heart of hearts, that we will not be charitable with your unique creative artistry. Know there there is nothing here but an infinite, whirling vortex of sharp objects shaped like nightmares.

We've often been accused of being "haters," but few things could be further from the truth. We're doing this because we love you all. We're doing this because we care enough ... to tell you to stop fucking rapping.


DISPATCHES: "Everything's On Me" - Franz

Many months ago, this video was forwarded to me from the submission folder and I gave it a onceover, didn’t think it was spectacular and forgot about it. Now that the hate is strong again, I’m drawn back to the INBOXXX, if only to give these hunks of space-age internet turds one more listen.

Thus, enter Washington Heights rapper Franz’s “Everything’s On Me”. So let’s party. If everything’s on him, then I’m gonna need a case of Veuve Cliquot and some oxycodone in hopes that it will demagnetize my temporal drive, thus cleansing me of the listens I had to endure to write this fucking critique.

This guy really isn’t a bad rapper at all. He’s also nothing special either. Sometimes he raps a little bit faster, weaving what I’m sure he purports are lyrics into an indecipherable wall of vocal noise; a stylistic choice that I’ve never understood from the top of the rap game all the way down to this dude. He does “go in” at times but not really in this lazy, lethargic video which centers around Franz yammering about what I’m sure is a fabled prosperity from which we can only get the eponymous charitable title.

When I moved further into the armpit of the country back in the early aughts, I found myself dick deep in a culture of high school kids who loved Triple Six Mafia (and other early trap rappers from the south and west), drove nice cars, lived in ridiculously expensive homes and mostly had never worked a day in their lives. As such, everything was generally “on them” in those days. I was just lucky, I guess, but it baffled me; a Black Flag, Wu Tang and Gangstarr fanatic, how anyone could like the obnoxious high hat patterns, the low quality, bass heavy, caveman tapping keyboard production of that trap shit; whose lone topical themes were bodily dismemberment, abusing women and heavy drug and alcohol abuse. I always thought these kids were some sort of what I would now call hipsters, who revelled in the irony of enjoying, quoting and, for even some, poorly attempting to mimic the lifestyle of the cats behind the Triple Six (lots of DUIs, lots of drug arrests back then for those poor players). I’ve only come to respect Three Six recently due to my realization that their sound has almost entirely proliferated the rap genre (shit, Yasin Bey even ripped a trap beat). You can track those early trap, dirty south-Memphis Triple Six tapes all the way back to the early, early nineties.

So, I can’t tell if “U-Dub”, the producer of this masterpiece is, but Franz definitely looks old enough to have heard of Lord Infamous, Three Six and their posse tapes. I bring that up because the loop is just like what I remember old Three Six sounding like; and Project Pat could have definitely held his own against our rapper Franz here, hero of climbing street crossing signs. I wonder if that’s the bat signal for summoning “Everythings On Me” to his yes boys bouncing behind him throughout the video. But in this unbeknownst, trillionth tribute to them North, North boys, we get something much less entertaining than voodoo dolls falling on your bed while hearses circle your house. We get the same old same old but worse. Franz is, ugh … charitable.

God, I’m going to get shot for one of these critiques someday.


THE INBOXXX: "The Purest One" - Conceptz

Humpasaur "Hump" Jones: Welcome to our 2015 Season Kickoff Edition of THE INBOXXX. With me as always is DJ Multiple Sex Partners, currently on summer vacation here in beautiful Vermontistan.

DJ Multiple Sex Partners: No offense, but it's kinda depressing you're still doing this.

HJ: Word, word. So we've got this cat named Conceptz who's submitted a video, and this is going to be painful.

DJ MSP: That's an atrocious rap name. Like calling yourself Wordz. Letterz. Ideaz. Flowz.

HJ: This was absolutely a mistake, I'm sorry.

DJ MSP: We're establishing that this guy spends a healthy portion of his paychecks on adult-sized superhero merchandise.

HJ: Mostly from DC.

DJ MSP: Fuck you for even knowing that. I'm especially disturbed by this obviously beautiful woman with the amateur makeup job and bad lighting. How do you screw up having a beautiful woman on your set?

HJ: I can't advise you on the specifics, but it clearly involves comic books. They keep flashing these shots of attractive women with a panicked, unsafe look in their eyes. You have to wonder what was really going on during this video shoot.

DJ MSP: Do you think his arms would shatter if he fell over?

HJ: I wouldn't want to watch it happen either way. I feel obligated to say this guy is a fucking terrible rapper. Just, nothing there. If this motherfucker even leases a Lamborghini, he could afford more than one light for his big video shoot.

DJ MSP: I can see why you always get pissed when rappers talk about being rich, this apartment is a shithole.

HJ: I'll probably vote for Trump, though.

DJ MSP: All of his friends look and dance exactly like him. I'm guessing those dudes are all related to him, and that poor woman they keep throwing in front of the camera is his older sister doing him a big, big favor. This is all mediocre 90's rap. This is beyond parody. You remember Party Fun Action Committee?

HJ: Fuck, good point. This is someone sitting down writing a mean-spirited joke song about the nerd rap scene as consumer cult.

DJ MSP: That's not really what I was...

HJ: No, I like it, we're gonna end there. Fuck you.


"Tin Tin" - Curly Castro x Steel Tipped Dove

A superb slice of work from two hard-working innovators, Philly sage Curly Castro and NYC creator Steel Tipped Dove. "Tin Tin" is a dark nightmare ride, a conceptual banger, and a bracing antidote to whatever your day has inflicted upon you thus far. Loud is the ideal dosage.


DISPATCHES: "Apocalyptic Preacher" - AC Killer

Submission #6788 comes from Los Angeles based (rapper?) AC Killer, whose bio reads as if he fell off the fuck-me-in-ass tree and hit approximately 80 percent of the branches on the way down, including the one that may or may not have lodged up in him when he was 10. Sometimes these gimmicks are true, or have tinges of truth sprinkled in with them. Most often they’re not. Most often they’re just prefabricated preludes to the video, that swelling cyst of their musical labors. I’m putting all my imaginary (all $100 chips) on gimmick.

Either way, moving on...

Really, these PR pitches we receive are too good. Eternally plentiful mediocrity from Funhouse Earth, a distilled and excellent crystal clear kaleidoscope of the human race’s sissy throw attempts at creativity. I have to wonder if some of these dudes even really try. I know they act, like they physically move and speak, but are they trying? And why do I care?

This video looks like a bunch of dudes preparing for a neighborhood Halloween trick or treat walk up that might send shit streaming down the legs of every 8 year who passes by, but would never break a 1000 views on the TubeYou’s without top-notch PR. The rapping, of course, is something that I could get a coke head friend of mine to do, who only listens to CCR, and the visuals have about as much thought put into them as your average McDonald’s Fish Filet.

It’s the worst of us. The I want the fame of video without working to develop my content and my craft. It’s literally the worst thing I can say about a piece of attempted Art: It’s not even worth checking out. Not even for the laughs. But you can click the link to watch it die.


"Go Hard" - Al Bundy

We've gotta warn you upfront: it takes a special kind of warped mind to sit through this past the first 2 bars. This is megadeaths beyond car crash metaphors, a perfectly paired video & song as empty as the plains of Antarctica at noon. There is nothing here -- but yet it is a special kind of nothing behind the eyes of name-thief and attempted rapper Al Bundy. His yearning for pure celebrity shines through like a sick, feverish mirror of The Whole Damn Rap Game, verily.

There's no way this cat could convince me that he listens to rap. No amount of bonafides or obscure album names would change my mind. The whole "go hard / viagra" punchline thing was dumb-as-fuck played out while the World Trade Center still had working elevators. Right now, it's 2014. This isn't about generational cycles, this is about kids who "rap" because they know that's how people get famous.

A strange thing to say about a chunk of art, but still, it's best qualities conspire against it. The fact that this is such a technically accomplished piece of work for a low-budget video only emphasizes what a blank wall you're staring at.

So consider this a low water mark, a placeholder for the Most Vapid Rap Video we've seen so far. There are thousands of contenders coming for that title, so enjoy it while it lasts, Al Bundy. Enjoy it while it lasts.


"Multiply" - A$AP Rocky ft. Juicy J

When a video has two people getting Director of Photography credits, shit had better look cocaine immaculate. Thanks to the quantum-spiritual guidance of ASAP Yam$, who had the excessive good sense to list "Wardrobe" and "Casting" with a straight face, the video for "Multiply" looks precisely that good, if not a little better. Playing hard on the contrast between the empty, ostentatious, glittering sets and the fast-moving, extra-filled tracking shots gives this video a lot more blood in the veins than most. This is movie-quality urgency that not even Juicy J can fuck up.

(He tries, though.)

Here at Real Yeti Rap, our politics is essentially defined by frequent usage of the word "TRILL" so obviously A$AP Rocky gets our vote in 2014. He takes a vast nothingburger of a beat and layers it with compelling, precise flow patterns. In the space of this short single he managed more experimentation than you'll hear from any "Real Hip Hop" activists this year. It's almost like being sanctimoniously concerned over a "Culture" you're only a single pebble within is less important than actual creative contributions? Time will tell!

At around the 2:50 mark, the Universe grinds to a halt as Juicy J lights up, well, some sort of experimental marijuana hybrid, apparently. The A$AP team have access to movie-quality drugs these days, too: one hit and the guy spends four bars dancing in slow motion, raps for six bars, then leaves the very fabric of space-time itself, as if his whole second career had never happened; or at least, as if it wasn't a feature at all.

Still, if you're going to make a rap video, make it good and weird and memorable. "Multiply" is all three.


"Abstract Art" - V. Nova ft. Smif-n-Wessun

I'm a sucker for that whole time exposure approach, especially when you get an art project involved. NYC rapper V. Nova makes it a point to rep some elements in his video, and he's also procured some feature juice from the Boot Camp Clik. The beat is hazy but compelling, a perfect mix of chill and insistent.

V. Nova has a relaxed, solid flow but the lyrics is where it all falls apart. This was paint-by-numbers underground rap, and when he says "this is not that weak bullshit that you're used to," you already know this poor fool wants to Save Hip Hop. So when he comes back around to "the game needs saving, should have been a lot sooner," my frontal lobes are already shutting down.

Will I check out future jams from V. Nova? Definitely. Capable rapper with a good heart. This, however, Valium.


"Buck a Cop" - China Mac

Given the brisk pace of killings by police officers this year, it was pretty fucking inevitable that this would happen. And rest assured, it will happen again. Back in August we featured an entertaining UK jam called "All Cops Are Bastards," but that was more socio-political critique type shit. This right here? This an open provocation to kill police officers.

It's easy to take that stance, of course. Body Count's 1991 pop masterpiece "Cop Killer" established a pretty clear precedent on this one. The notion that Ice-T dealt with a "backlash" is fucking absurd: he made millions on tour while a bunch of police unions made token gestures of protest, and now decades later Ice-T plays a cop on TV. Perhaps China Mac will mellow out in his old age, too, but for now, this is some snarling entertainment.

This cat has a big image problem, insofar as he raps a lot tougher than he looks. It is also interesting that he identifies as Asian American but looks like an Italian model. A lot of crackers love to say they "don't see race" and this is a rare case where that would actually be true: hopefully the Gawker crowd can give this cat a couple million YouTube plays and embrace his multi-cultural message.

The video is tightly edited, beautifully shot, very energetic, but ultimately just surreal. An absurd juxtaposition of powerful images and trite lyrics. That's not a dismissal, though: this could easily be the most emblematic video of 2014. Use the hashtag, like it on Facebook, buy the shirt. This is politics now.


"Jokes On You" - Canon

Uncle Hump used to live in Springfield, IL -- The 217 -- and it's a good community. It is. It also gets listed as one of the "Most Dangerous Cities in America" year after year, the rap scene inevitably reflects that. This is something completely different, though. Not only does it have probably the most professional production values of anything I've seen from that area code, it features a charismatic rapper with a huge heart and a good message.

It probably sounds weird -- if not psychotically and hypocritically fucked -- for Real Yeti Rap to invoke "a good message" with a straight face. It might seem a little out of character for the single most hateful, venemous Rap Critic Jihad going in 2014 to give props to a song whose entire message boils down to "Making fun of other people makes you look like a petty asshole." But folks, that is just the world we live in. Nothing is about to start making more sense anytime soon.

Meanwhile, be nice to each other.

You know, unless you're dealing with rappers. That changes everything. No holds barred.