Another XXL Attempted Cipher

"Ay ... What? ... Yo ... Ay." I've had a few people earnestly tell me Playboy Carti was a rapper I should check out, and I will die before I take advice from them again, on anything.

As a big fan of both Lil' Debbie and 2 Chainz, I figured all this "mumble rap" hatred was just the same guys in hoodies and boots who were calling me a faggot at shows in '02. You know, those sad losers who carry the torch for "real hip hop" -- an ugly scene.

I didn't realize that most of these new kids had actual Fetal Alcohol Syndrome; I do now. This Carti twink has all the energy and charisma of a teenage gas station cashier, his voice cracking as he hands you small change & avoids eye contact. I have contempt.

You want it to improve from there, but God Hates Us All. We've got another Soundcloud autist who comes off like he's in the middle of a stage fright panic attack...for his entire fucking verse. Can't hate. I'd have confidence issues if I was three feet tall, too. He wraps it up by lapsing into one of his own hooks, then simply walks away. I get it, I do: these guys are here because they're every bit as broken and doomed as their fanbase.

This is a generation that can't look up to those who came before because they can't even understand them. These dudes write bars with emoticons. Much like the Trump Administration, there will be hell to pay for all this but hot damn, it's entertaining.

Ugly God comes to center stage after spending a lot of time jerking off his wireless mic in the background. That is not a good look for any primate.

How do these poor kids not have anyone to teach them better? How did English, as a language, die out so completely in the American Southeast? I don't know, either, but Ugly God is the best rapper so far. He's a special needs student like anyone else here, but at least he's got some energy and manages to crack himself up.

Up next is XXXTentacion -- who I actually first heard about from DJ Multiple Sex Partners. Seriously. He reminded me of Young Thug, in the sense that he was at least interesting. A lot of these Lil' Hypebeast goth bitches have some potential, should they ever grow up enough to give a fuck about making good albums.

Turns out, the kid is still interesting.

He deserves a lot of credit for 1) staying silent as he comes in, and 2) immediately copping a rap squat. Then he kicks a beat-free blast of pure nihilism, and I dig it. "Man, if the world ever has an apocalypse, I will kill all of you fuckers... / fear will be plentiful, death will be bountiful, I will spare none of you peasants." Finally, a young man with some goals.

Overall, this was a stunning, illuminating experience, no lie. Teach your kids how to read or we're all going to die on Instagram.